A mental breakdown?

I’m afraid of this blank page.

There was a time when I loved opening a blank document and just begin writing. I used to love it. It was calming me down to pour my soul out. And it hurts me to write that I’m not sure this is true anymore.

The truth is that I’m tired. I’m really tired to be strong, to always put a smile on my face and be confident in everything. I’m tired to live my life in pretending everything is just fine and I’m the happiest person in the world.

There are days when the only thing I want when I wake up is to do nothing. And unconsciously, I follow this path. Wake up, go to work, come back home after work and do nothing. While on the other hand I’m full of ideas. Unfortunately, this ideas won’t work on themselves alone.

I must admit I’m in a place where I haven’t been at in a long time. I’m depressed and anxious and don’t know how not to be.

There are people around me who also suffer from depression. And while making sure that they are okay, doing and acting the way they will feel better with themselves, I forgot to take care of myself. To make other people feel good, I put myself in constant pain.

I’m afraid I can’t be easily with other people anymore. I dread every look, every touch, every message – every single thing that will make me interact with people. I’m scared that I’m damaged for life. And all because I forgot to put myself first.

I’m trying though. All the small steps of self care. I promise, I’m trying. Even if nobody cares, I will care for me. I’ll do my best.

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