Been Through

It’s been 13 years since I started this what now became a routine to write during the small night hours. My mom always jokes that as I was born at 3:50am, I have a birth night, not birthday. And let me say that probably because of this I write the most during the night. And here I am again. My background is “I’m not okay” by Chen (EXO). I don’t know why exactly this song comforts me the best when I’m sad. But it does make me think.

I’m slowly eating the grapes left on the table and going through my personal breakdown. And I think that I’m finally ready to admit that I myself am the one causing all my problems. I need to learn how to understand and fully accept that other people won’t be kind and truthful to me, if I am such to them. I need to remember that I am not responsible for other people’s actions and intentions. But it is so hard.

I know I am overthinking yet again. And you know, I should consider myself lucky, because I know that there are at least 7 people out there, who are with me in any way possible, knowing that I can count on them and they can count on me. Whenever, wherever. I’m lucky, am I? Some people don’t have even one.

But this stupid uncertainty… Oh, how it knows to appear every time I’m down. Every time I try to find a reason within me when something go wrong. Telling myself that I’m the one at fault. That if I’m not here, the world will be a better place for others. Yeah, I know I’m not that important. I realize that I need help. But I don’t want to be on meds again, I’m not ready to go through this again.

God, please guide me through this and show me the path as You are the One, Who knows what’s good for me. Please show me the way and I will follow You.

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